Observations from the Last Episode of the Bachelor + Finale Preview

If we’re being totally honest with ourselves, the Bachelor process isn’t exactly conducive to finding true love. According to the encyclopedia (actually the incredibly reliable website wetpaint.com), only two couples from the Bachelor are still together. (Also from that site: http://www.wetpaint.com/chris-soules-lauren-iaconetti) Two. Not eight, not twelve. Two. Out of twenty seasons! To be fair, I can’t imagine dating twenty-something people at once and having to choose a wife after two months of filming.

That being said, Ben is (from the looks of it) going about it as best he can. He’s not Chris Soules or Juan Pablo – Ben is earnest in a way you just can’t fake. He’s sincere, he’s caring, he’s present. He says exactly what he feels, and that strength has now become a big problem. Here are a few lessons I learned this week:

1. Make it Count

Yeesh.

Oh, hey Caila! You thought acting surly and indignant all day was going to get you to the final two? Ben has such little time with the ladies that he can only judge based off of who is pleasant to be around in their highly produced, hardly private, few hours together. So when the normally bubbly and carefree Caila acts miserable and awkward, the rest is a foregone conclusion. It’s not fair that she can’t be in anything but a great mood, but it is an obvious tell. She should have known — wait, she should have known! Was this a strategy on her part to have a substandard date and make a bid for Bachelorette? No, right? Am I overthinking this? Hmmm.

“I hope dis key is to your liking.”

Ben trying to be coy.

2. There’s Nothing Hotter than Praying Over Sea Turtles

Turtles getting sandy again.

Lauren B might be sloppy seconds this week, but she gets the clearly superior date and she obviously has the stronger connection with Ben. I’m not a marine biologist — or any kind of scientist for that matter — but it did seem odd that they rinsed off the turtles in the ocean, put them back in the bucket, and then let them out in the sand, presumably to go back in the ocean. Anyway, Ben and Lauren have a great day, and then:

Uh-oh.

If you were still holding your breath for Caila, the difference in his reactions made you disappointingly exhale.

3. Jojo Still Strong

Thirds.

If you thought the finale was going to be a Lauren B love-fest, you grossly underestimated Ben’s feelings for Jojo. Jojo is cool and sweet and funny and Ben really likes her. Actually, Ben tells Jojo he loves her. And, if you haven’t seen this video, get ready to have your mind blown. I do miss Jojo’s mom, though.

JoJo’s mom is every viewer’s spirit animal

Woman of the people.

4. Don’t Overplay your Hand

“Sorry, this small table is reserved.”

There’s no way he naturally sits like this, right?

Sneaking over the to the bachelor’s pad (ha ha!) is becoming the new first-person-to-snitch-on-the-house-troublemaker. If any future contestants are reading this (likely, given my high readership), under no circumstances should you ambush the bachelor and play the “guess who” game. So Ben rightfully dumps her, ruining my life bracket, and she handles it as well as you’d expect. There’s something very high school about the way she got out of the car, but it’s hard to blame her.

RIP Caila.

5. Love is in the Air

 

“Look at us!”

“How funny would it be if I picked both of you hahaha that would be crazy right hahaha”

Oh yeah, so Ben told two women he loved them, which is a crazy thing to do! They had one of the most awkward (and certainly the most superfluous) rose ceremonies of all time. Both girls feel entirely confident but they also probably have that nagging thought, “Wait, what if he told it to the other girl, too? No way haha, no one does that! But she does look confident…”

“What, I am too happy you are here Lauren.”

Gah, this show is amazing.

Ben looks like a guy that has no idea what he’s going to do. He’s been pretty confident in his decisions all season, but I really don’t think he’s got a plan anymore. Get ready for a lot of this:

“I did it…I farted.”

Some Important Questions for the Finale

Who is Ben calling? His mom? One of the contestant’s moms? Caila? Alex Morgan?

Is Ben going to go crazy before the show is over?

Will the episode end in a proposal? Will this one actually last?

Does anyone care about Women Tell All? Like, Olivia might be kinda funny, but it will probably just be kinda sad, right?

Who did this? Why???

Will Ben Z ever find love?

Did Ben actually make everyone breakfast in bed? If so, can we glean any information from the types of food he made each girl? Does this chart mean anything?

Ugh, I need to get other hobbies.

And most importantly, who does he pick?

“Let the I love you games…BEGIN.”

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